Son Shine
55th Edition
Happy Spiritual Monday!
So, we are 3 months into this parenting journey, and I’ve felt like a little Quarterly Baby Review is in order. Just to clarify - there is no chance of letting the little man go, it’s more of a gathering of lessons learned from the most beautiful being I’ve ever come across.
Edit: This week will be a shorter edition, as my man already tells me when things get done more than I tell him, and we are a bit late to the press on today’s edition!
Time
This illusive resource we all crave so much of seems so plentiful to us when we are young, slowly seems to become less abundant as we age and once we add children into the mix, the concept of time is altered quite radically. I’ve mentioned before how one of my favourite comedians - who I actually have the pleasure of seeing this coming weekend - says that before kids you have time, after kids you have moments. He’s right.
It’s not just the time vs moments deal, it is the organisation of life and living that shifts dramatically. Quickly, I must add that I know there are many parents out there so if you are reading this, perhaps it serves as a refresher for you. To the non-parents out there, just some stuff to consider.
When organising an outing, say, going to the beach… what once was a split second decision - let’s go! - now turns into an hour of prep, then planning and organising all the bits to go with us etc. This improves with practice, but it is a bigger production and costs more time to get done.
I’ve also noticed myself thinking more in packets of time vs large swathes (in honesty, this shift has probably been needed for some time anyway!) Whereas previously I may have said to a passing friend, “Sure, I’ll cruise over your way in the afternoon,” indicating that there was a whole section of the day in which I would be loosely devoted to maybe meeting up with said friend… These days there are more parameters to take into account:
What are we doing?
Is it necessary?
What kind of time packet we talking here - 10 min, 30 min, an hour?
Will this positively impact my life, or can I pass on it?
There are more screening questions, but you get the idea. The last two - on time packets and value to my life - are the critical pieces for me now, as I do have less time than I used to which is devoted to just my free time. Many parents said it to us before that when the baby comes you wonder what you ever did with your time!
I find it good for me that I get to organise my interactions into time packets and importance packets. This naturally leads to things and people falling slowly away. For example: I don’t drink alcohol or coffee, so to all the “We should grab a drink/coffee” requests, I have to specify what it is we will be discussing, as I don’t care for the beverages, but if I enjoy the company and it enriches my experience of life, then we can plan an alternate venue or activity.
I share these insights here with the intention of conveying the grander aspect of the lesson, so that hopefully some may benefit from my steps. We all have a beautiful, temporary experience of humanity in these bodies and we can easily get lost in just “doing things” with people. At least I know I have. What I have realised from need to refine my timetables, is how organised I can be, and how it helps to strategically place things in my life which bring me the greatest benefit for time invested. This is a practice I feel we could all benefit from.
What are the important things to you? How often are you engaged in those things? What is unimportant or unnecessary in your life? How often are you engaged in these things?
It’s a simple diagnostic which can yield great results and benefits for your quality of life and living - family or no family.
Adaptability & Resilience
Anyone who has been somewhat awake in the past few years has learned a bit about how adaptable we can become when necessitated. What I feel is important is to discern between being adaptable as a way of competition (I was a champion of this) vs being adaptable as a good citizen (compliance) vs becoming adaptable and resilient. What I mean by this is that we don’t just adapt to any and everything placed in our paths, but we adapt our lives in a way that lets us thrive and be fluid.
When I look at my beautiful, 3 month old son, I feel his soul scanning my entire being and downloading information, character traits and patterns. What I am acutely aware of is loving him always - that’s easy - but also doing my finest work to demonstrate as an example of a good human and a good man. This doesn’t mean just coddling to his every need, though there is a huge amount of that in this early time. It also means me doing the things to make myself myself. It means being in joy and sharing that joy with him, being in love with life and sharing that love with him.
I had the opportunity to jam with a dear brother recently and the few hours we spent - while little man was sleeping - was so rich and nourishing for me. I felt more myself and find myself more connected with my son on our morning dad-walks.
The point here is to ensure that we make time and adapt our schedules for inclusions of the things that turn us on, light us up and enrich our character. The world deserves us at our best, and we must adapt to maintain a connection to the practices and activities which keep us connected to out greatest selves.
One thing that all parents warn is “Prepare to be tired always.” This is real, but the relation to tiredness doesn’t have to be terrible. Knowing full well that sleep deprivation is a form of powerful torture in may aspects of history, there are some things in life beyond our control. Being equanimous with our situation is a crucial skillset that is always of value, but for us recently we are practicing an active quality of simply being at peace with being more tired than we used to be. The baby does’t care how we are feeling, he needs support. When life needs you, it’s a powerful tool to step up and just do what needs doing.
Dad & Man
This journey has been such a deeper dive into manhood than I ever thought possible. I’ve worked with men for years, guided men, helped men and even been described as a good man. However, as a dear friend told me some months back through a cheeky grin, “You don’t really become a man until you have a child.” For me, this made a lot of sense. I never thought I would be in the position I am in right now - let alone so happy about it! Things changed and as is always the case, I adapted and grew.
Becoming a father has taught me so much about service, love and care that I feel I only theorised about these topics previously. There are clearly many paths to walk, but I am grateful for this journey and this path we have chosen to take.
My level of responsibility has increased exponentially and what was once a zone I never wanted to tread into has become a field of abundant joy - and struggle - into which I am diving in and learning at incredibly rapid pace.
I feel blessed for sure to have the opportunity I have, and grateful for my family and the lessons they are bestowing upon me.
In summation, after careful review, I believe we will be keeping the young man, and increasing our love budget to infinite for him. Good work, Son.
And so it is.
Son Shine